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Post by Admin on Jan 27, 2017 23:34:57 GMT
for my periodic slump. I'm also starting to see a correlation between bill paying time and the depression. I always slide into depression when its time for me to get caught up on bookkeeping. After I get all that stuff out of my hair, I usually perk up. I think I go into a mental hiding which does me no good at all. I think there must be a connection between money going out and no money coming in and my inability to make a difference. No matter how many lectures I give myself, such as no product, no income, I never seem to be able to bypass the emotional slide.
If I could just make myself read the ms. and clean it up, it would be out of my hair. I'm kicking myself up one side and down the other that I find so many ways to keep from getting it done. Procrastination at its finest.
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Post by bill on Jan 28, 2017 2:38:56 GMT
Do you know why you refuse to finish? Is it this situation or do you often have trouble finishing?
There was a time when I felt the same way about paying bills. For me it was all about control. I had not control over my finances and it drove me crazy. Once I took control (easier said than done) I am at complete peace.
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Post by Admin on Jan 28, 2017 3:41:53 GMT
Finishing is always an issue for me. Its a habit but I don't know why. I always have projects to move on to so it's not me getting so attached to something that I don't want it over. And I really do take pride when its done. I do think there is a period of time when I feel helpless but its a helplessness that I cause. So I can't figure out why. I even went to a couple of therapy sessions to try and pinpoint why I do it but I never did figure it out. I almost think that even though I give no credence to the opinions of others that, on some level, I must.
When I sit and go back over all the times I've reached for an out-of-reach goal, life has slapped me down hard. I have to wonder if I'm afraid of the slaps even though I have no reason to think it will happen. First time I went to college, I lived with you guys. Phyllis was convinced if I didn't start college right out of high school, I never would. I couldn't afford the dorm so she gave me room and board in return for helping her out, (she was pregnant with Susan) and babysitting you when she and Bob needed time off. I cooked and cleaned a bit and mostly, she was just helping me out. But your Dad transferred to Texas and I went back home because I couldn't afford college if I didn't have some place to live.
I didn't go back to school right away because I knew I was going to travel to Texas when Susan was born. I stayed with you and helped Phyllis out for a few weeks when she got home. By the time I got back home, Dad had taken a job in McPherson so I moved there with the family. I took a job at the Co. Treasurers office and saved up money so I could go back to school. We lived in McPherson for almost 2 years. I was enrolled in Emporia State Univ. and had plans to room with Marti when Dad passed away. Mom needed me to work, so I gave up school and went to work at the bank in Emporia.
Lived there two years when I decided to go back to school but ended up getting married instead. Fell in love and there went school. Was married one year when I got pregnant. I was all set for having 2 children, raise them, and then go back into the work force. Only life smacked me down good when the baby was full-term stillborn. I still have trouble dealing with that one.
But I still thought I could raise my children and then create a career for myself. I didn't count on Joshua being born with cerebral palsy. That pretty much took care of any hope of me working outside the home and I wasn't trained for anything. I chose to take care of him only, in my head and heart, that was no other choice. I could never let somebody else take care of my child. It's not in me.
I've spent the last 15 years trying to establish some sort of home based business. I tried going back to college when Joshua was being bused to Joliet. I was going for a desk top publishing certificate. I needed 20 credits. I was making good grades but circumstances happened and I ended up withdrawing Joshua from the school system and home schooling him. There went any hope of me getting the college credits I needed.
Desk top publishing sort of dried up really fast anyway when print on demand became so accessible. So it would have been a short-lived career. I worked at the writing, and the art, but I don't seem to sell anything. I should qualify that. I have pretty much earned back my investment but that doesn't cover what I spend in supplies.
I'm nowhere near giving up. Just that I have these periodic slumps into depression. As I get older they seem to be harder to pull out of. I suspect my age and the knowledge that time inevitably flows through the hour glass has something to do with it. I'm not ready to be done. Just wish I could be way more productive than I am. And it might be that my expectations are really high for myself. If I'd lower the bar, it would be easier to get over them. But not near as much fun.
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Post by bill on Jan 28, 2017 4:35:43 GMT
You've had some bad timing of events that knocked you off course. A lot! It's not good to dwell on the past, but it can sure give us glimpses into who we are and sometimes why we do what we do. I've struggled most of my life (just learned this about myself the last ten years or so) with setting unrealistic expectation, getting motivated/excited, fizzling out, giving up and getting depressed. It's a cycle, but I know it about myself. I still set the high expectations, but I realize as I do it and keep myself from getting too excited. That also keeps me from getting too low when I come up short. But also, it's helped me to figure out how to achieve some of them. That's how I passed the CPA exam, ran a marathon, wrote a book, now several. Now that I've been writing consistently for several months I've noticed some things. I like the planning of the story, at least if I had an idea I like. I usually like writing if I have a plan and struggle writing without one. I don't like revising, but I love having the finished product. Knowing these things about me helps me plan how I succeed at each step. For instance, because I know the revising is so hard and draining, I try to do it during times when I have larger blocks of time and am well-rested and not stressed. That helps me be more productive and to enjoy the process more. I learned this when I was in ministry - that some people are great beginners and visionaries, but not good at maintaining, and vice-versa. We all have different strengths and gifts. Maybe you have some deep-seeded past trauma that keeps you from finishing, or maybe it's just an area that is a weakness for you. I don't know. I'm probably just rambling now, but I know when I understand myself and call my weaknesses what they are then they have less power over me. I don't have to turn them into strengths, I just have to deal with them long enough to move on to something else I am strong at. Yeah, sorry. I'm tired and just started rambling. It's too bad we aren't talking because I don't do that sort of thing when talking, just when writing.  |
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Post by Admin on Jan 28, 2017 15:40:21 GMT
It helps me you ramble because my mind automatically accepts, or rejects, and that helps me clarify what happens in my own brain. I am a visionary. I am motivated for success and don't accept failure. I realize that not getting where I want to be isn't a failure, its a detour. Detours can be tedious, or they can be interesting adventures. I don't like getting interrupted because once I line up on a goal, interruptions slow me down and I lose momentum. Once that happens then I struggle to get back up to speed. Being knocked off course by things that are not my fault is exhausting. It weighs on my spirit. If its my fault, I accept that and come up with a plan B.
I usually am okay with validation coming from me but every once in awhile, the loneliness hits and I long for some kind of visibility. For someone to see me for who I am and not see me for what I do, if that makes any kind of sense. I want to be seen as Carol, and not as wife, mother, or caregiver. Those are things I do but not who I am. although I do realize that they are aspects of what created me. I'm not sure anybody who hasn't been completely tied down their entire adult life can ever understand the difference.
I do better following a carrot in front of me, with a few nibbles to remind me of the taste, than I do with the cattle prod at my back zapping me when I lag behind. The first encourages me, the latter pisses me off. Both accomplish goals but the first one is way more fun.
Thank you for listening. It helps to have someone to talk to.
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Post by bill on Jan 28, 2017 18:18:28 GMT
I think we all tend to view ourselves through our roles instead of our character and who we are. You're right, the road you have walked is a unique one, and very few could identify. I'm such a private and secluded person I can't imagine living the life you have.
There are a few moments when I believe I will be a successful writer, that I can make a living doing this. I am filled with hope and anticipation. It excites me to continue the pursuit of a writing career. Those are rare. Most of the time I feel like I keep lying to myself, making myself believe I will succeed to override the perceived reality that this journey will not end how I want. It keeps me moving forward. Much of the time it's that and these story ideas that haunt my mind that keep me writing. It's an obsession now and must be followed until the journey has run it's course. Wherever that journey leads. I'm determined to see it through, but if I succeed I will be the most surprised person on the planet.
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Post by Admin on Jan 28, 2017 21:28:08 GMT
I remember during one of my down times I was in despair and wailing to God that I wasn't asking for much. I want to earn about 20,000 a year. That would be enough to pay for whatever supplies and needs I have to support my writing and art. I heard that quiet little voice say: You're not asking for too much. You're asking for too little. By not dreaming bigger, I am not trusting in God's plan. Through HIM all things are possible. I sometimes need to be reminded of that. Also, I have a feeling that the path I'm on will end in a very different place than I envision. I sort of feel like I'm walking in the shoes of John the Baptist. I am preparing the way for one who comes after me. I have a feeling Joshua will achieve far more in his lifetime than I ever will but I also know that it would not happen if not for me helping him. I am holding my place and doing what is required. That should be enough, and most days it is. I just wish I could feel like I'm succeeding instead of just keeping my head above water. I am so grateful you listen to me. The few therapy sessions I've had, I told myself that if I had disposable income I'd gladly pay somebody to sit and listen to me, really listen to what I say, for an hour every week. Its a rare thing for me to be listened to. And our family isn't geared for whining but there is a lot to be said for a good gripe fest.
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Post by bill on Jan 28, 2017 23:01:51 GMT
Well said! I think my dreams are huge but in reality, like yours, they aren't that big. They're big to me, not God. That's another thing that keeps me moving forward with writing - I think God has led me on this journey. I still don't know if I'm writing what He wants me to be, but at this point I don't know if it matters. I'm learning, and not ready to write what He has for me. I hope I will be one day.
I've been told all my life (since I was a teenager) I was a good listener. Honestly, most of the time I would rather listen than speak. We all need to be heard. I think it's by articulating our thoughts and emotions that helps us understand them. And we are all better off if we understand why we think the way we do and feel the things we do. I'm afraid most don't.
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