Post by Admin on Oct 19, 2016 12:25:41 GMT
I go through periodic slumps. And looking around me, I realize that these slumps coincide with losing control of my environment. Although, I don't know if the surroundings getting away from me create the 'slump'. of if the 'slump' results in the housework sliding.
Just seems to be one of those times when the pile is growing and my resolve is weakening. Overwhelmed. Joshua is doing really good with Kathy. I'm learning a lot watching the two of them interact. Seeing Joshua hold back because I'm not walking him through it has made me realize that I've actually not allowed him to trust in his own answers and responses. He knows what to say, he just hesitates to put himself forward without me telling him its okay. I didn't see it until I watched him work with Kathy. He goes to the right answer then backs off of it.
I'm wandering, thoughts are scattered. Not focused. I painted yesterday. Wanting to do artwork today. Not sure why. I do need new work for the gallery but the urge to paint isn't completely commercial. I think its escapism. I'm coming up to the last part of the edit. And I always, always, back off of finishing. I wish I could figure out why. I know what it isn't.
I'm not afraid of failure. I'm not afraid of success. I'm not afraid of doing bad work. I'm not attached to the story and wanting to hang on to it. I'm not worried about people reading it, although I do admit that I have a big dose of pride. I want people to see my work as high quality and professional. I do not want to be perceived as an amateur.
This collapse of my surroundings and losing focus has specific triggers if I could only recognize what they were. I'm so self-aware at almost all times that having this blank place in my mind infuriates me. I don't like hiding something from myself but that's what it feels like. And I suspect it's something incredibly stupid and unimportant that if I actually could see it, I'd sweep it away link dust bunnies under the bed. which I probably have if I went and looked.
I need to block out everything and just finish the edit.
Just seems to be one of those times when the pile is growing and my resolve is weakening. Overwhelmed. Joshua is doing really good with Kathy. I'm learning a lot watching the two of them interact. Seeing Joshua hold back because I'm not walking him through it has made me realize that I've actually not allowed him to trust in his own answers and responses. He knows what to say, he just hesitates to put himself forward without me telling him its okay. I didn't see it until I watched him work with Kathy. He goes to the right answer then backs off of it.
I'm wandering, thoughts are scattered. Not focused. I painted yesterday. Wanting to do artwork today. Not sure why. I do need new work for the gallery but the urge to paint isn't completely commercial. I think its escapism. I'm coming up to the last part of the edit. And I always, always, back off of finishing. I wish I could figure out why. I know what it isn't.
I'm not afraid of failure. I'm not afraid of success. I'm not afraid of doing bad work. I'm not attached to the story and wanting to hang on to it. I'm not worried about people reading it, although I do admit that I have a big dose of pride. I want people to see my work as high quality and professional. I do not want to be perceived as an amateur.
This collapse of my surroundings and losing focus has specific triggers if I could only recognize what they were. I'm so self-aware at almost all times that having this blank place in my mind infuriates me. I don't like hiding something from myself but that's what it feels like. And I suspect it's something incredibly stupid and unimportant that if I actually could see it, I'd sweep it away link dust bunnies under the bed. which I probably have if I went and looked.
I need to block out everything and just finish the edit.
